this is not a blogher advice post

I wrote a lot about my experiences at BlogHer last year. When I go back and read all the posts, I see that I had a lot of fun. I got to speak to each of my conference idols. I blogged naked from my hotel room. I had a lovely walk to the Art Institute. I was silly with Liza and hung out with Mel. I did a fairly good job on a panel. But when I think about BlogHer ’09, my very first impulse is… cringey. It makes my stomach churn a bit. I have been trying to unpack that to prepare myself for this year’s conference (next week!). So this is not my advice post. This is my processing post.

I have been
surprised at the lasting effect of the lonely moments and yucky feelings, the way attending the conference made me question myself so
much at exactly the time when blogging was a struggle anyway because of
lack of time. I read others who say that huge waves of bloggers just
close up shop and quit forever after attending and I thought that could
never happen to ME – so long haul, so established if not disciplined or
popular or easily categorized. But then… I did start to feel like the
blog was a little silly, that the era of the “personal blog” was over, that I was hanging on to it just for the sake
of hanging on, just because it had been around a long time and it seemed
mean to kill it off. It does feel like something would be missing in my
life if unwellness
went away, but would that deficit be a blessing, extra time without
this bloggy burden hanging over my head? There have been a lot of small
moments this year where that seemed possible.

But… I am hanging on. The domain name was renewed because even the
brief moment I spent contemplating its demise made my soul hurt. I will keep trying, even though the conference’s most intense impact has been the way my quicky posts now feel insufficient, the way it takes me hours to write a post that used to take minutes. It was all so much easier when the blog was new, when it felt like the Internet was mine and no one would ever see it. BlogHer’s biggest takeaway for me was apparently this: blogging has changed and my way is sort of… antiquated.

Blog after blog will tell you that BlogHer is what YOU make of it and you mustn’t go causing drama and bitching if you don’t have a good time. I always feel like these posts are directed straight at me. They are correct. I did a bad job of meeting new people and then I bitched, just a tiny bit.

When I look back at all my BlogHer posts from last year, I must admit I
feel a little down on myself, both for my feelings afterward and for my lameness in blogging this past year. If I did not have my best blog friend along for
the ride this year, I wonder if I would be able to haul my ass to the
conference at all. I know it would involve the old standbys of my latent
agoraphobia and general anxiety: panic attacks, tears, sleepless
nights, whining about my indecisiveness to Wes, deciding to go, deciding
not to go, feeling simultaneously 12 years old and 85, whining to Wes
some more, puffing myself up not to care that I am unknown and
unpopular, crying because I am unknown and unpopular, hating myself for
being that exact person all those popular bloggers tell you not to be,
hating those popular bloggers for not being my best friend,
loving those popular bloggers from afar like a creepy stallker, vowing
never to return so as not to embarrass self, whining to Wes some more
even though he is no longer listening, going because I can’t stand
to be left out….

So, um, Wes thanks you, too, Cali. 

People who know me in real life usually say nice things about me. I think I come off as fairly normal. But inside… I am a little weird, a little awkward. I don’t talk as well as I write
until I get to know you. I get more solidly quirky and bitchy every
year. I can’t control my facial expressions. I have a nasty middle
school hangover. I am a bit of a know-it-all and I don’t have an easy
time approaching new people and will probably run off to play with my
phone in a corner shortly after making your acquaintance. Wanna be my
friend?

Well. At least Calliope does.

All that bloggy self-analysis last year should have helped this. But then
I also had a lot of lofty writing goals and exactly none of those were
met. So I am honestly not holding my breath on being a whole new person
at BlogHer this year. On the plus side, Calliope is the world’s Most Intense Stranger Talker. I have quite
serious expectations of a different experience this year thanks to that
alone.