Follow-up, not so brief
Posted: June 26, 2010 Filed under: Uncategorized 4 Comments »I am inordinately pleased with how well that last post went. No one came after me with any sort of sharp object! This is likely because I did not in any way publicize the damn thing, much to Cali's chagrin, and therefore only my dwindling regular readership read it (THANK YOU, dwindling readers!) – Reason Number Five Million why Famous Blogger is no longer on my Future Occupation list. I am too tired to publicize, and frankly a bit concerned that the entirety of Twitter might come after me with weaponry.
I will just follow up briefly.
I am not sure my post was as clear on my point as I became after I started responding to comments. I think men and women should have a good chunk of time off with their children. I think employers should allow for flexible family/mental health-friendly work situations. I do not think they will just suddenly all do so and I do not think there is even a slight chance that the American government will mandate such a thing for decades to come. Therefore, I kind of agree with that book that women need to stop dropping out of the workforce. It is getting us nowhere. I feel strongly about it.
I can understand how "should"can be taken badly – "should" used to drive me bonkers. I don't know what happened. Well, I do. I went crazy, got better, had a baby and got older. Somehow, there just aren't at many things that bother me that way anymore. Which, I must tell you, is delightful. If this is part of getting older, bring on 50! Wheee! Most of the time, I don't really care what others think I should or should not do. The shoulds of parenting may have just been so overwhelming that the whole thing just imploded and when the dust cleared, I felt too tired to worry about it anymore. Most of the time, other people's unwelcome parenting shoulds don't make me doubt myself so much as assume that person is a bitch or an idiot (either of which you are welcome to tank of me, also). And it's not that I always believe that I am right. Often, yes. But almost always just doing my best.
But like I said in comments, this post was not meant to be a parenting should. It was meant to be a feminism should. It started as one but the other is way more important. I do feel people may have jumped on the bad feelings about the entitled children and cleaning and ignored that bit about the average age of widowhood (55! Hard to believe!) and the difficulty women often have when death or divorce or whatever means they have to suddenly provide for the family. Not to mention having enough for one's own self at retirement should your spouse no longer be in the picture. I feel like that is a pretty compelling argument.
And I also want to repeat the bit about not figuring the daycare costs from the woman's salary. Why do we do that? Because she usually makes less money? That doesn't really answer why. It makes more sense to consider the family income and subtract day care or nanny costs, doesn't it?
I know many people mentioned not loving their jobs (or actively hating them). I just have to wonder why it's OK for men to hate their jobs and still have to do them. I mean, I know the answer is no one should hate their jobs, but the fact of the matter is that no world will involve shiny happy jobs for everyone. Why do women get to bow out in favor of the kiddos and men rarely do? That is part of the world I want to see and another reason I feel like we have to do the hard work now so that men and women are all able to work a teensy bit less at the jobs they don't love and be with their families a teensy bit more.
For the record, I like my job but it is not my perfect fantasy, either. I still want to be a writer someday.
And also, though I hope it was understood, I want to just add that I absolutely include freelance and work at home jobs and part time home businesses and all that good stuff in awesome stuff women "should" be doing. This is another shortcoming of that whole "Work Outside the Home Mom" title that I can't stand. I am really irked by the false dichotomy it sets up.
I am in DC at the American Library Association Convention and holy hell do I hurt. I am not sure which is worse – carrying a bag of books and papers on my back all day through miles of exhibits or sitting in those insanely uncomfortable chairs during the sessions. That said, tonight I heard Toni Morrison speak about libraries and tomorrow I will attend the Caldecott/Newbery banquet (fitting for my awesome Mock Newbery year!) so I am pretty sure it is worth the pain.
I don’t disagree with any of the points that you make, but I’m not sure that I arrive at the same conclusions.
- First, I think that it’s a distraction from the real issue to focus on whether women work and how much. What would make all the difference is if men demanded more work-family balance of their employers and equally shared in household and parenting responsibilities. Women who work part- or full-time and still shoulder a disproportionate share of the parenting and household work. It’s men’s roles that need to change, not women’s (and, as a result, women’s roles will change in the direction or greater “balance” as men assume more responsibility at home and workplaces are more friendly to parents, thereby freeing women to take more responsibility at work). Until men push for greater work-family balance in the workplace, nothing will change.
- Absent that, I think every family needs to make whatever choices work best for them, with a frank conversation about finances; personal preferences; career aspiration; and division of labor, roles, and responsibilities. Maybe that’s both parents working FT, both PT, one SAH – whatever maximizes that family’s overall happiness. Those decisions absolutely need to be made with eyes wide open about the economic implications with respect to lost earnings and retirement savings, the possibility of divorce or death, etc. Different families will arrive at different decisions, and that’s okay, but those should be fully informed decisions.
- I do see a difference between what choices are made when children are very young (0-3) versus school age. Once kids are old enough to be in school all day, and the SAH parent is no longer engaged in full-time caregiving, I personally do think career should be more of a primary consideration, for the reasons that you provided. But for young children, I don’t think that we should discount the value of caregiving. It’s an important job and one that’s grossly undervalued in our society.
I agree that those first three years are kind of wonky. There are rarely perfect solutions for families and I can totally see how SAH can work best given the cost of daycare. The gross part is how we undervalue childcare both in how society treats mothers of young children AND in how much we pay daycare workers (and teachers but don’t get me started). As astronomical as the daycare costs are in NYC, those fabulous women taking care of Beck are NOT making much money. And while I absolutely 100% agree that the care of young children is exceedingly important, I do not in any way believe that care has to be provided by Mom (or Dad or Grandma) to be great. In some cases, I think day care can be even better than parents and home, especially in the second and third years of life. I wish we valued it enough to help daycare workers make a living wage and get early childhood degrees.
But yes, I think I just disagree on the second bit. I love, though, that I was reading your first point and saying aloud, “Well, that just isn’t going to happen.” and the very next line started, “Absent that…” – Brilliant mindreading!
Yes
“I just have to wonder why it’s OK for men to hate their jobs and still have to do them. … Why do women get to bow out in favor of the kiddos and men rarely do?”
Yes. And those of us with boys should be thinking forward sympathetically to the men they will become! I do know some husband-wife families in which the husband has the p/t job and the wife is f/t for whatever reason. Hopefully the tides are turning and it will become more accepted (by society and by their female partners!) for men to stay home.
Point taken that day care can be better than being at home with a parent in the second and third years of life. In my own experience, I struggled with that as a SAH parent, and ultimately decided to shell out for child care/playschool (paying someone else to take care of my kid felt very strange – and expensive! – when I’m not employed), and it’s definitely been an enriching experience in terms of socialization with other kids and developing strong relationships with other non-family adults. And if kid #2 weren’t on the way, that definitely would have been the red flag that it was high time to re-enter the paid workforce.
(And I agree with your general point that being home with mom/dad/grandma is not always the best care, at any age. That is not true and should not be the baseline assumption.)