someone like me
Posted: January 7, 2009 Filed under: Uncategorized 12 Comments »One of the most difficult days I have had as a mom as of late came sometime last week when, in a perfectly mundane and quotidian moment with my son, I realized that I hold within me the power to be a very bad and scary mother.
I was changing his diaper. He hates having his diaper changed. I look forward to potty training because I see in it a bright future rid of one of the first major triggers of my mean mama self. And he was thrashing and kicking and being just really awful. And I got mad.
I am not afraid of discipline by any means. I think it should be logical and show children the consequences of their actions. Like, I wouldn't say a kid couldn't go to the zoo next week because he didn't eat his peas at dinner tonight. We tried with GMB to make sure that "punishments" were really just logical consequences.
There are scenarios with toddlers, though, where you just have to impress upon them that what they are doing is dangerous because they have absolutely no common sense. Beck does not understand that he should not grab the giant eight foot hanging mirror in our room and lift it and smack it back down on the wall repeatedly. He does not know that it might come off the wall and crush him beneath its considerable weight. It is our job as parents to impress upon him that he must not do that ever ever ever. Because however much you think you are going to be right there with them every second, Real Life sometimes isn't like that. In Real Life, sometimes you are half asleep with him in the bed and he stops nursing and gets down from the bed and wanders the room looking for hell to raise. So he should have a clear idea of what "No" means, in my opinion, and of what things are unsafe yet unchildproofable.
So we do time outs for things like that, 30 seconds of being placed in the middle of the floor and ignored. He is quiet while ignored and slightly nervous when we turn back around for apologies (he obviously doesn't apologize yet but someday he will apologize and/or explain why he had the time out so we are sure he understands) and hugs and kisses. And he has stopped grabbing the mirror.
Diaper changes, though. It doesn't feel logical to punish him for his thrashing. He doesn't like the diaper change. It's not his fault that babies poop in diapers and that they therefore need changing. He hates being constrained or made to stop moving for even an instant. I feel for him. And yet, I have never been so angry at him as when I am being kicked in the chest by his strong little legs or as when he flips his poopy little butt right over and tries to slither away.
There is a danger element if we are on the changing table – he could fall on his head. But even on the floor, he can be a tosser and a turner. And I get so, so mad.
I get crazy mad. In the words of someone on my message board, it isn't that I want to hurt him, it's that I want to WIN. He will SUBMIT to my desire to change his diaper, dammit. It is crazy stuff. Not logical or tidy. Weird and unwelcome.
We are working on it. Warnings for him so he knows a diaper change is coming. Choices about whether to change on the table or the floor. Other ideas…?
But I was troubled by the day last week when I got so angry that I spoke loudly in his face (and oh my but that didn't help ONE BIT) and then continued to feel grumpy and sort of mad at him for a couple of HOURS after that. I told Wes and we had to laugh at the extent of my ability to hold a grudge AT MY OWN BABY for his displeasure at diaper changes. But it really is something I need to unravel.
Someone like me, someone who holds craaaaaaazy long grudges… can someone like me be a good mom? Awareness is 9/10ths of the law or some shit like that, right?
I feel the need for some sort of disclaimer on this post. Did you know that someone on twitter CALLED THE POLICE because some mom made a joke about smothering her kid who wouldn't go to sleep? Crazy times we live in. So clarifying disclaimer: I have never hurt nor wanted to hurt Beck. There you go.
Well – potty training can just mean a different battle of the wills. Today H refused to go and peed in her pants instead and then cried about it. How dare I suggest something so personal as she needs to empty her bladder and yet I was right. We used to distract her – sing a song, let her have a “only on the changing table” toy (washable!), the like. And I would say firmly “stop and it will be quick” – I couldn’t do a timeout either at that point because being naked on the floor oooo, what a treat… but, let’s hurry so we can get over and do xyz helped. Little buggers!
Bliss was a twister squirmer get away-er when being changed and it drove me nuts too. I learned somewhere i the early days, through some similar experience when I got very angry that whenever something he did triggered me badly, I mean really hit my buttons and got me mad, that 99.9% of the time it really had nothing to do with him and everything to do with some issue yet unresolved of mine.
Realizing this somehow helped me let go some when I got angry fast. It let me stress points to him like a normal human being rather than a screaming banshee. I also use the bank teller rule. If I couldn’t say it or do it to a bank teller I try not to ever do it to him. For the most part there is still some yelling that happens but it all got way less stressful after that.
It is hard though some times.
oh yeah. been there, sister. diaper changes are bad for our little man, too. thank god taylor is a good changer because if i had both of them like jordan at the same time, i would be even more out of my mind. congrats that it is only now, a year into parenting beck, that you feel this way. i feel like i have been feeling that way forever! sometimes it helps us to give jordan something to distract him, something that he LOVES, like a book or a special toy. sometimes having a pacifier works. sometimes if he starts to tantrum, we put him in the crib and let him calm down a bit and then try again. sometimes this works and sometimes it does not. when it does not, we either have to strap him down with the changing table straps, or we have to have one of us hold him and the other change him (if we are both there). i am also very much looking forward to the end of diapers! good luck!
I love you for many things but this, “perfectly mundane and quotidian moment” totally made me smile.
& even though Snork is still chilling on the inside I hear you about this. I have so so so so so many issues with Grandmother. Mostly it is her tics of folding and unfolding blankets on her lap, snapping and unsnapping, just your basic Alzheimer’s moments. but they unNERVE me totally. And I find myself boiling up. And in those moments I think, “holy fuck. I will be a horrible Mother.”
But the thing I have to remind myself (& forgive me if this sounds trite) is that most of the really shit Mothers don’t think about this stuff. They just fly off in anger and never look back. So I TRY to tell myself that worrying about how I will deal with my need to control already makes me a bit less bad. um.., I hope.
Here I tend to bribe with the toothbrush or a wipe- she loves both. But sometimes it doesn’t work and I get kicked. I’ve yelled too. A good friend has to hold her son down by sitting on the floor and putting her legs over his arms so he can’t get away. I’ve avoided changes because I knew my daughter would fight me. She walked around with a soggy diaper for a few minutes until I could muster up the energy. Now she likes talking her diaper off and helping me put cream on her bottom. I put a dot on her finger and she “applies”. I think the key to parenting is to not take it personal.
“And yet, I have never been so angry at him as when I am being kicked in the chest by his strong little legs or as when he flips his poopy little butt right over and tries to slither away.”
bee
been there. i really think it’s okay to get angry with your kids a fair amount and once in a while lose it in front of them (not hurt them – your disclaimer). a therapist once told me so, and i believe it. as beck grows a bit older, you will be able to give him a timeout for being a jerkface during a diaper change (or at least for kicking you). I used to have to restrain M to change poops sometimes because he was sooooooo stubborn and difficult. I felt so bad, but he was little and could not reason.
finally, i get that we should aim to treat our kids with respect, as a previous poster noted her bank teller rule. on the other hand, the bank teller does not push us to extremes by kicking us as we change his/her poop, does not ask whine unrelentingly while tugging hard at your pants while you are on the phone with your health insurance company, and does not dump a box of cereal methodically on the floor after you told her in no uncertain terms not to. i’m just saying, you’re human and these moments are often extreme. Go reread “Operating Instructions.” You’ll feel better.
Nothing that KT can do, can make my blood pressure rise faster than diaper changes. She twists, kicks, thrashes, tries to throw diapers and has even gone so far as to try to pull my hair if it’s down and bite me. One particularly awful day, I lost it and she got spanked. Not one of my finer moments as it only escalated the situation.
I’ve tried bribing her with something she doesn’t normally get; I’ve tried letting her get the wipes, pick out her diaper, help wipe herself; I’ve given her the option of the changing table or the floor. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t. The worst part is that she’s lays there like a perfect angel for her Dad. Like so many other things it is completely a battle of wills and her testing me.
What works the best for us, is I tell her we’re going in for a diaper change a couple of minutes before we go. Give her a minute or two to warm to the situation and then we go. I make sure to tell her that we’ll come back to doing whatever we were doing. If she starts to squirm as soon as I lay her down (which is an immediate sign we’re in for trouble) she automatically gets a time out. She sits against the wall in our bedroom between the dresser and bathroom door. I go into the bathroom and set the timer for 2 minutes (she’s 26 months old). She can hear me but can’t see me. I can see her legs so I know if she’s sitting there or not. After the time out we try again. If she continues to squirm she goes back in a time out. The most it has ever taken is 2.
I hate doing it. Some people would say that putting her in a time out isn’t appropriate for such a small offense. But I’ve learned that it accomplishes two things. #1–it gives me a second to regroup and helps to keep me calm. #2–it shows her that I’m in charge and am not going to deal with her testing me like that.
Goodluck. It’s scary when you see a glimpse of the parent you do not want to become.
At four and a half, my daughter can be really horrid sometimes. I’ve been reasonable. I’ve tried logical consequences. I’ve gone with mild threats. But sometimes… I’m horrid right back. While it feels terrible to see that stunned look on her face, I find myself thinking, “Good, you should feel bad when you’re naughty. That’s how you’ll learn not to do it again.” Not sure that’s the sort of mom I want to be, but I’m going to keep “Horrid Right Back” in my back pocket for emergencies.
I so hear you on holding grudges. I’m a champion grudge holder, still rehashing hurts from childhood, things that M did to annoy me five years ago, you get the idea. Have I held grudges against Kiddo? Absolutely. Better to acknowledge it and get on than to deny having ugly feelings.
The diaper thing? Sorry. I know there’s no real fix for it… he’s just too little. Will be cheering for you as potty training commences. May it go smoother than diaper changes… probably a lower bar than you’d like to set.
We have some diaper change issues, too. Punk doesn’t hate diaper changes, per se, but she does not always like to stop what she is doing. And she will practically roll herself off the changing table and I, too, turn into Mean Mama. I have held her and gotten right in her face and used the Mean Mama Voice. And I don’t even feel bad about it.
I do worry about the times when I get exceedingly frustrated, though. I think they are inevitable and life is like that, but I still feel bad. I was raised through beatings and fear and I am 100% terrified of abusing a child. I don’t think I have it in me, but I still worry about it. I don’t ever want to raise Punk through fear. But like you say, right now she just doesn’t have the cognitive capacity and some things are scary and bad and need to be NO-NOs.
But Punk? When I use the Mean Mama Voice? She doesn’t. even. care.
Here’s my disclaimer: I’m not the mama. Which means, it’s very easy for me to suggest things when I’m not the one doing them at home. That said, this is one of the most common questions I get from parents.
Here’s what I say:
-catch your child between tasks for diaper changes (this is the big one – they sure do hate to be interrupted)
-give warning about what’s going to happen
-change him standing up (don’t hate me!) and have him participate as much as possible. Pulling his own pants down, putting the diaper in the diaper pail, getting to sit on the toilet, flushing, wiping, pulling his pants back up.
This all seems like a huge PIA, but toddlers generally are more game for helping to do things for themselves than they are having things done to them. Even if you only do this for wet diapers, it might help to take some of the sting out of changing if he see’s himself as in charge of some parts of the process.
And again, read my disclaimer above.
I was looking at some photos of last-year Ender, and earlier-this-year Ender, and I realized I find them hard to look at because I feel so, so guilty about being horrid to him during that time. I really lost it a bunch of times. I never hurt him but I sure scared him and screamed at him and held grudges and was mean and my goodness, he was SO SMALL and SO CUTE. He couldn’t possibly have had any idea he was being naughty or annoying or why mommy was going apeshit. As another commentor mentioned, it had a lot to do with other things being wrong. Things with my husband were so terribly wrong that I really just wasn’t coping, plus the lack of sleep. It’s no excuse and I still feel terrible. I feel worse that the poor little guy still seems to love me so much, and still quite happily misbehaves as though he’s either forgotten scary Mommy completely, or scary Mommy just wasn’t that scary.
I confess this here in the hope that I’ll be able to look at those pictures soon and not feel awful for 3 days after.
Hmmm, what Sarah said made me remember how very challenging the pre-verbal toddler stage is. I know Beck is talking a bit, but once he’s really able to get into sentences and express himself I think he’ll get easier. I feel like K. is a bit easier now than he was then. I know you’re talking about diaper changes specifically, but I think it will carry over a bit.
We all have parenting moments we feel horrible about. I certainly do. Most of them happening in the middle of the night and having to do with sleep. Also, I felt grudge-y against K. after he bashed my head in with a ceramic cat a few weeks ago. (It was an accident. But I was mad. It really f-ing hurt. I couldn’t even be around him for a bit.)