forward/back

I had a fine day yesterday and the baby took something similar to two naps. The second barely counted. And when I came home he was so distraught that MIL called me to see where I was and when she heard I was a block away she came running out with the baby to meet me so that he would see me that much sooner. He nursed and dozed on me and was then lovely at the faculty picnic. And went to bed with no problem. And woke up at 3:45 for the first time in ages (and nursed back to sleep, but still – sign of bad napping right there).

Today, I was doing so well at work. I was spouting off at lunch about how every day got easier and balance would be a good thing in my life. I don’t want to wind up one of those women who spends a decade thinking about nothing but their child. I teach those children and I don’t want to be those moms.

The day was not easy, as work days go. A computer training in a new database system went haywire and resulted in 2 hours of non-work, non-learning. I found that I don’t know the password to THREE of my library’s five computers and can’t get into them at all. And tech support is… dealing with the database system all week. I can’t do some integral tasks involved in opening the library because I can’t get a class list because none of the administrative assistants’ computers are working and tech support is… dealing with the database all week. I can’t make copies because no one knows the password to the scary new copier. And I can’t figure out how to upload MARC records into the new-to-me library system we are using so all our new books will languish on a cart until I do. I called Shadow Pregnancy to see if she could help and midway through the conversation, gave up and decided my headache was too intense and I just needed to go home and try again tomorrow.

But backing up to the moment the headache took hold… MIL called me to tell me there would be a change in plans. We had planned to meet up in the park or at the library so I could play with Beck and maybe visit with mom friends. Beck had other plans, which involved not napping even after hours of stroller time (usually a sure thing). I could hear him HOWLING in the background. And MIL was headed home to stick him in his crib and let him howl some more (without quite the heartlessness that implies, you know).

And I felt like all the blood left my body. "I can’t leave for at least another hour," I blurted.

"No, no. I know. I am just telling you we won’t be able to meet up."

"Right."

I could barely hold it together. My stomach was in knots and every fiber of my being wanted to bolt from the building to hold my baby. I willed myself to finish what I was doing, the mind-numbing task of checking books off on a packing list. I finished that. I was ready to bolt. But I willed myself to finish one more small mind-numbing task. As practice. I can’t just bolt when he cries. This is my job now. That was the lesson here.

I walked the 20 blocks home with my stomach fluttering. If I could run without pain or asthma attacks, I would have.

He was asleep when I got home. A bit of crying, but very little. Mostly he sang to himself, roared at the lion on the mobile, and blew raspberries, then shouted a bit and went to sleep.

All was fine. All is fine. All will be fine.

I just keep thinking he must be so confused about what’s going on. He must wonder where I am and why I am not with him. And it breaks my heart. Tonight, when I got home, I told him. I explained how the world works, that money is necessary and to get it I must work. I told him I will always, always, always come back to him. I will always always always be there for him.

He looked up at me suspiciously as he nursed.