resent this
Posted: September 1, 2007 Filed under: Uncategorized 25 Comments »I have come to truly, deeply understand why my mother did not breastfeed me.
Sometimes she tried to pass it off as being because of her c-section recovery. But the truth was she just didn’t want to. Because it is not fair. It is inherently not fair.
I carried the baby. I had the baby cut out of me. And now I have to feed the baby. All the damn time.
You might think that the fact that I have an incredibly unique family would help with the resentment issues. Unlike most women, I have a husband who has given birth and breastfed a baby. He totally knows what this is like. When I am bitching at him about how unfair this is, he politely and cutely asks, "Um, and it doesn’t help that I did this already?"
To which I say, "NO."
I don’t know why it doesn’t help, other than the fact that I am totally sleep deprived and infant-like in my sensibilities. I am tired and cranky and extremely frustrated by the slow speed of my recovery. The incision feels better but my stomach muscles are crap. I did them in entirely by walking all the way to work and back yesterday. Today I couldn’t make it more than 2 blocks before I needed to turn around and tantrum my way home for a nap.
So. I resent Wes. I resent the baby for his constant need to eat. But most of all I resent biology. And evolution. It would be so much better if everyone lactated, if milk came in to all of our boobs, male and female, at puberty. We would be able to hand our infants off to any friend or loved one to nurse. They would be more easily fed and have more well-rested parents.
Fussbudget McBoobface, aka my son, is waking up now so I have to go stick my boob in him. I am nothing but a boob to him.
I’m sorry about the suckitude. I don’t know what to say. Just that I sincerely wish I could help alleviate some of this. If it truly gets to be too much for your well-being, consider supplementing. You will be no less of a mom for it. I loved bf-ing, but if I didn’t you can bet I would not have stuck it out that long. You are important in this equation too, you know. Lots of love to you. Call me any time.
ps- The walking to and from work sounds like too much (as you found out). If you can, try to take short walks and gradually increase each week. I know it seems bad now, but you will most likely feel stronger soon.
I think it was right around this time that Jen got really pissed off about how long it was taking to recover. She’d had all these visions of going on walks in the lovely springtime with a new baby, but because she tore so badly, it took several weeks before she could even think about walking anywhere farther than our front yard. It also took a while before bf-ing became more enjoyable. During the “I am nothing but a boob to you” stage, I did everything non-bf, which didn’t make bf-ing any less exhausting for Jen, but at least kept her from getting more exhausted than she already was. We also introduced a bottle pretty early. Our LC said that once she was a pound over her birth weight we could give it a try, so we did. Of course, that meant Jen had to pump, but it was a little bit of a break maybe. Jen was also much happier when she and Natalie got the hang of sidelying. Jen can sleep through anything, so once Natalie was latched on, Jen could sleep and that was goooood. And slowly it got easier.
I hope you’re feeling better and able to get some rest soon. Hang in there.
I will happily come over with my own big boobs and feed your baby…with your own milk in a bottle. Obviously.
Oh sweetie, I’m sorry.
I was totally doing the “Yeah! All people should lactate! Rock on, power to the people!”
and then you had to say Fussbudget McBoobface, and um, I almost peed on my self.
I wish the concept of wet nurses was still popular. Then we could all just have lactation circles, and pass babies off.
I wish I could have breastfed Malka.
Sorry it’s so hard.
…then you wake up one day and all the kid asks for are the keys to the car.
Sorry to hear that it’s sucking so bad (no pun intended) but it really is an eye blink in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there!
I too resented. It is horribly hard. I think the first 3 months post-birth should be entitled “Man this sucks”. You have to be kind to yourself though. No more crazy walking around – I completely overdid after my c-section and I regret not taking more time to rest up. A walk is good, a hike several blocks too many is bad.
If you need to supplement for a little feed here and there, do it. Sometimes you need not to feel like a pacifier (although the pump isn’t any fun either).
You’re doing great, it is a very taxing tough time but you’re a great mama.
Ender’s love affair with my boobs continues. He now fondles them and gazes lovingly at them in public. If his dad gets too close when he’s nursing, Ender gives him the exact same look a dog gives if you come too close too its food when its eating. I’m sure he would growl if he could. Sex is out because Ender’s Booby Spider Sense kicks in and wakes him if his dad is thinking about going near the boobs. Dad is getting jealous. There are unspoken Freudian arguments going on between them about who has first rights to Boob Territory.
Now I wake up with hickeys, as Ender’s apparently decided 2 isn’t enough, and has begun a project to find other sources of milk on my body. I wake up to find him happily latched onto my tummy, arm, leg, whatever…
Babies are weird.
“I am nothing but a boob to him.” Well, DUH, he’s a BABY. And, despite the fact that you resent having to “be available” all the time, that’s kind of what parenting is all about. If this is affecting you so much now, I shudder to think what’s going to happen as the years go by. Parenting is nothing if not being “on demand” 24/7. Additionally, you may not be able to feel it, but breastfeeding is one of the best things you can do for yourself to get your stomach back in shape–I’m sure you’ve been told his already by your many experts. When he feeds, your uterus, etc. contracts and gets back to “normal”. So, maybe you can concentrate on the fact that it’s good for YOU, too. BTW, I have been reading your blog for a while (since shortly before the birth). I’m an old granny now (age 50), so I fully admit I am much removed from the child bearing times (had my only at age 25), but I will tell you this…this kid is going to be NOTHING like you “expect” so the sooner you get used to it and let him be exactly who he is, the better off you all will be. Sorry to sound “preachy”–it’s totally your life and your family, but the whiny tone just really got to me and I had to respond. I do wish all of you the best.
LM
Ah, Bri… this is what I love about your blog. I get no “I am the earth mother, come let me nourish this babe at my breast” posts from you. Nope, you tell your reality like it is. And I appreciate it.
Being pregnant, people who have known me for years sometimes act like the old Co has somehow left the building, like I’m this crunchy earth mother now.
My MIL asked me recently, with a smile, “So, are you looking forward to nursing?” I responded, “Looking forward to it? No. Planning to do it? Yes.” My MIL was pretty floored that I couldn’t say I was “looking forward” to it and started painting it as this wonderful, mystical blah blah blah…
So, anyway, thanks for your honesty. I hope things improve. I’ve heard from my more honest friends that BF can indeed suck initially but that after getting through the initial part, it got better. So, hopefully, it’ll get better for you, too. If not, I’m with others… supplement if you need to.
LM – My biggest pet peeve is when people come onto my blog and tell Wes and I what “parenting” (to overuse quotes) is all about. We have done this before. Save your shudders for someone else because I have already helped raise a child from age 6 to 16. The adjustment in this case has more to do with the physical (single anatomical part) availability and bodily pain. These, in my experience, are not such a part of parenting the rest of a child’s life.
There are low points to parenting. I didn’t run around gleefully trilling about how great it was not to have sex for years because of GMB’s need to be with/sleep with us 24/7 – I whined. I didn’t love tantrums and day camp arguments and disagreements over appropriate clothes or their pricetags. I whined. This is, in fact, how I cope. It does not mean I haven’t loved and won’t love parenting. I am not expecting my baby to be something other than a baby. I am just whining. If it “gets to you” – bye.
Hey, no problem, I certainly understand whining, and have done tons of it myself, but you posted it publicly and I responded, that’s all. I figure you realized if you have a place for “comments” that not all “comments” are going to be exactly what you want to hear. As I said before, I do wish all of you all the best. Parenting, however you do it, IS the hardest job there is.
Good luck,
LM
It does get better on the nursing front. For us it was around six weeks that suddenly I had time to go pee before nursing again. And like Cait mentioned, Beth did everything except nursing so I was able to shut my eyes for 15 minutes or even, gasp, shower… and then the boobs were in demand again. She now nurses four times a day and for no more than 30 minutes total of my time. I can honestly say I don’t miss the 100% dependence but I also know we made it through it. I didn’t breastfeed because I a earth-mother and crunchy hippie
– I did it because I believed it to be important so I sucked it up. Now I can say I am glad I did… at the time I remember being aware of at least a few reasons people decide to switch to formula. But I swear it gets easier for nearly everyone I know.
I remember the first few weeks after D was born… I SWEAR he was latched on and nursing 45min of every waking hour. And screaming if he wasn’t. I remember DH feeding me becuase I hadn’t gotten the hang of hands free nursing – I needed one hand to hold him, one to hold my boob, and it just plain sucked. SUCKED. And I wasn’t recovering from a C-sec (hello, major surgery, omg)
I promise it will get better. It may not be for another month or two, but it will get better. If you need to take a break, then take one morning, leave Beckett with Wes and a bottle (or 4) of formula, and go get a pedicure or massage or something. Yes, you’ll need to pump off the boobs when you get home, but you should be able to get a good 3or so hour break. As long as you only do it sporatically, it won’t impact your milk supply.
Sorry Miss Bri, I remember how much it sucks. My 5 month old was a similar baby so I can relate. I appreciate your honesty, it’s quite refreshing.
(please forgive me Bri – i am aware you need no defending. i still must reply tho)
LM ~
my first order of clarification for you is, you have not been here long enough to *get* Bri and her manner of posting. i imagine just a few posts before the birth of Beckett MAY to outsiders seem like whining. and maybe even like unnecessary whining, at that. and i say that not to mean you are an outsider or unwelcome or anything of the sort. maybe new-reader is a better term.
however, i might ask you to refrain from your preachy comments until you read a considerable amount more of Bri’s writings and get to know who she is and how she writes. just as you encouraged her to accept and let her son be who he is going to be, i highly suggest that you act a little more like the adult i know you are, and let Bri be who she is. afterall, this is HER blog. and if you dont really care for who she is and how she writes and communicates in her space, there is always the *next* button or that little red *X* in the top right corner.
PS ~ a little lesson in wording things: when you begin sentences with a statement, and then complete them with a “BUT…” – everything that comes after the *but* negates the original statement, and usually conveys your the true feelings, however unconscious they may be.
so when you made the statement saying “its totally your life and your family…but the whiny tone just got to me…” what i HEARD was “its totally your life and your family…BUT…the whiny tone just got to me and i had to respond (and show you the error of your ways)”
[sorry Bri. i am pms-ing. and cranky as shit. and couldnt let this pass.]
Hey, gypsygrrl, no problem to you, too. I really was just responding to the one post, and you didn’t mention my 2nd post, so maybe you didn’t read that. As I said in that post, since this blog (like many others) has a place for comments, I made a comment. That is all. I realize that most of the readers of this blog are friends and supporters of Bri and Wes, who know them well, either in real life or via a long time of blogging, etc. I don’t know them, obviously, but I am sure you are correct and they are absolutely fine folks. I made a comment based on that one post. I really do not judge her/them one way or the other–how can I since I know diddly about them, really. And you/they about me, too. All any of us who don’t know these people personally can judge is the words in the comments, which is what I reacted to. No harm, no foul. Again, I wish them all the best–it’s a tough job.
Now, I won’t take up any more of Bri’s blogspace for a while as I am leaving the country tomorrow for 2 months.
Best wishes to all,
LM
I cannot stress enough a good LC and it can take more than one to make a difference. I am so sorry you are miserable. I had trouble with Bliss and had to use a shield for 3 months exclusively. It was panic every time I lost it in the sheets (it is clear) and I had to pump priming milk to syringe into his mouth the second he latched so he didn’t have to wait for letdown or else he would scream and cry so badly he would not nurse at all. We also nursed 3-4 hours at a time around the clock. I learned to side feed in my sleep and it made a huge difference. The biggest difference though was that I honestly adored every moment he was on the breast, and have ever since. I cannot imagine how hard it must be so hate it. I can say it is hard and it gets way way easier. By 3 months down the road it is a whole different process. The breasts don’t even act the same when feeding after time. They do not fill as hard but they supply greater quantities and are more efficient.
I also know that the sleep deprivation can make a HUGELY underrated difference. The cliche “sleep when he sleeps” is one the the most popular for a big reason. It makes a world of difference in every area of motherhood if you get some rest. It even helps pain ease.
On a side note if you g@@gle lactating men you will find info on men being able to breastfeed and documentation of it. It is wonderful and fascinating.
Lastly Briar, you are in the fourth trimester. I am not sure you know of it, but it is crucial like the first 3, and a time to TAKE IT EASY and REST!!!!!!!!!!! The baby and you need to be as close as possible during this first 3 months outside your body. Hearing your heartbeat, feeling your breath, smelling you. It helps both of you. It is why in so many cultures the mother and baby take to bed for 40 days. You grew a baby and had it cut out of you, give yourself time to really recover, slowly but very surely. The hormones pumping through your body still are huge, trust me, it take a little time. Give yourself that.
You are doing a great job.
I did to. Resent the baby that is. And this is such a sucky time in so many ways. I hate to admit this but I am someone who needs something back from people. Yes, even kids. And when LM was this age I got nothing. NO smiles. No thank you. Not much. Mostly I felt like a minibar being raided and opened all the time. Nothing felt abundant. As they get older they get so much cuter and sleep better and you just love them more because you are not an exhausted pacifier.
And the sleep. Oh the sleep. The 1st few weeks hormones and shit kept me alive and a little alert, but as time wore on I felt increasingly insane and so tired I wanted to die, just so I could sleep. Even if it might be irritating I will tell you again, even though you already know this: It will get SO.MUCH.BETTER. It will. But I will also say this: Babies are THE WORST.
OOOOH. I just read the comments! Before I posted my comment. (LM is my abbr. for my son to those of you who don’t know – no reference to the LM who commented here, certainly). I just want to say: whine away. Babies are awful sometimes. AWFUL. And so is parenting. Doesn’t mean my son is less wanted or loved. But his infancy was the hardest time of my life. I am not looking forward to infancy all over again. They are slugs. And I NEVER look at other people’s infants and desire that time again. I do that to chubby, laughing 6-month-olds. Anyway, I can’t wait for your advice when we get to the older stuff.
The chubby, laughing 6-month-old is your reward for all the crap that came before.
But actually, the first rewards come even sooner, like the first real smiles around 6 weeks (not those fake ones where they’re tripping on a light fixture or a spot behind your head that may or may not be a ghost). And after a few weeks of the slug (good description, that!), it even feels pretty damn good when he starts making eye contact and staring at you on purpose. You start to realize you’re not just his walking nipple and open milk bar, you’re his GOD(ess), and the very most important person in the universe.
Next to him, of course. When Ender grows up to be an astrophysicist, I’m sure his first project will be to prove that indeed Ender is the center of the universe.
Bri – my mom has said this almost exact.same.thing. to ME about when I was her first baby. I have a short frenulum (that might be spelled wrong) and no one caught it cause it was 1975 and there was no such thing as a lactation consultant. I still have it. In any case she was in terrible pain from my awful latch for SIX MONTHS while she nursed me. She kept on and eventually it was bearable and eventually she loved breastfeeding so much that she nursed us all til we were preschoolers. But she really resented us when we were newborns. I think that resentment is normal. I mean, you love your baby like nothing else, but jeez, who the hell does he think he is? taking over your life like that? objectifying your body so completely and ignoring your mind? You’d never put up with that from any other human being (except if you had another baby) so it is hard to deal with from him without being resentful. It is, IMHO, a sign of strength to admit this and keep going anyway.
You are good at being annoyed and irritable and going on anyway – and I hope that this passes quickly.
Bri,
I got sucked into the comments on this post bc of the whole LM fiasco. I didn’t rush to your defense, because, frankly, I was trying to prove to myself that the unpleasant comments are also acceptable. Except I don’t believe that they are. Not when their tone is so agressive.
Regardless, I’ve decided to put in two more of my cents: I NEVER felt better about breastfeeding. I tried. I stuck with it. But it was awful the whole time and it affected everything. And by the time I finished on one side it was time to feed again in like 10 minutes so I wasn’t ever not a source of food. Sometimes I was afraid to run to the bathroom because I didn’t want to hear Sophie cry. She didn’t cry often, but I didn’t want to risk her getting upset since I wasn’t confident that I’d be able to make it okay if she did.
That being said, if you are really really invested in, and determined about, breastfeeding, then I think that there is definitely truth in the payoffs some of the women above describe and I wish you so much better luck as you move forward. And offer any kind of help (particularly of the sweets variety) you think I have to offer. And the, unnecessary, permission and approval to whine on and on and on. Honesty, with yourself and the world, is vital.
However, I will say that I am (and I’m sorry if this is offensive in anyway to anyone who loves or is you) not going to just blindly support breastfeeding because it’s the thing that women are expected to do. I mean it is the most horrible debilitating thing I can remember doing. Ever. And there wasn’t ever a payoff that made it worth while. It actually delayed the bonding with Sophie because it was so hard to get past how shitty it felt ALL of the time. I have accidentally rested my arm on a 500 degree metal oven and that was not nearly as bad as breastfeeding. Not nearly.
So I am offering a different kind of support…I am supporting your decision, should you want to make it, at any point, to take yourself back and be the best mom and woman you can be. Because even if you decide not to be a 24-7 boob, you will still be an amazing loving mother and person. And you may also find that while you were less than “enough” as a food source, you are more than enough as a mom. Because some babies? They’re just way more hungry than we can feed them.
Ah, yes, when they come out, they have this thing about needing to be fed. But, if you don’t want to do it all by yourself, you don’t have to, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If exclusive BF is really, truly not working for you, supplementing is fab.
If getting the resentment out here is helping you continue on the breastfeeding path, that is also great. Whatever makes everyone in your unique family happy is the best method. He will be fed and he will be fine. You’re doing a great job.
Delurking to ask, what were you expecting? A newborn needs to eat frequently. Especially a big baby like yours. I couldn’t breastfeed my babies because I had a mastectomy. So I had to start with formula from day 1. But it was fine. My son got all he needed and has thrived. He’s now 6 and his sister is 2. Feeding time was never a panic and my husband, sister, inlaws could all help. The kids bonded with all of them and are well-adjusted (so far) and social today. So maybe breast-feeding just isn’t for you. Not the end of the world.