f u bf
Posted: August 24, 2007 Filed under: Uncategorized 14 Comments »
This pretty much sums up my feelings on breastfeeding after 9 days.
I will no longer claim that things are getting better or that we’ve turned a corner or that I know what the hell is going on. Each day is a totally different challenge. A few days ago, Melissa mentioned that engorgement might make the baby scream like that, and even though I didn’t think my boobs were really hard and though I had tried pumping off to no avail, I considered the possibility, I started to realize that he was doing the scream after each time that I slept. I would wake up with sore upper arms and he would scream. So I tried pumping off more and it seemed to work. We thought we had figured it out.
But then there was yesterday and suddenly that wasn’t working anymore. In fact, I started to think I didn’t have enough milk after pumping and that even if he latched he wasn’t staying on long. And then my midwife told me not to pump too much because then I would just make more and it would lead to more engorgement. This sounded wrong to me, because I am so paranoid about his weight, but I considered it.
And then he’d only gained 2 oz at the pediatrician yesterday. We have to go back on Monday. They were non-alarmist and said he looked great, but I felt like I had done a lot of work for very little result.
Last night I became the most raving lunatic yet – Wes and his mom went to walk the dog and pick up dinner and no sooner had they walked out the door than the baby started to scream and not latch. There had been no nap on my part. No sore arms. Just inexplicable boob screaming. They were gone. The pump was unplugged and involved a lot of bending to plug in. The pump parts were in the kitchen and I needed to heat up a little expressed milk in order to tide him over by dropper as I pumped. I cried and he wailed as I wandered around trying to get all this in order. Then Wes came home and I punished him by not eating my dinner. Ha.
The next feeding was going the same way. Beck screamed. Wes droppered. I pumped. I felt like I wasn’t getting very much and started to feel a panic come on. I wept loud and long. Wes suggested that I not pump the other boob, that maybe it would work this time. I wanted to hit him but tried it. I wanted to hit him even more when he turned out to be right.
One of my biggest faults, I think, is that I take what happens once or twice and solidly believe that this is now how it will be. With an infant, of course, this is ludicrous.
Since then, I haven’t pumped and have fully embraced ‘on demand’ feeding. Except I don’t like to call it that. I prefer ‘I’ll feed you when you want IF I feel like it.’
It’s a toss-up – do I prefer no sleep and constant baby-on-boob but relative peace in the home? Or a schedule (sort of) that seems to lead to random screaming and a lot of time trying to soothe the fussy. I reserve the right to change it back tomorrow. Especially because it doesn’t necessarily follow that my vague schedule was creating the screaming boob beast.
I have no idea how many times I have fed him today. I only know I am typing one-handed because bouncing with Grandma on the birth ball (one of the limited number of options other than sleep or eat) is suddenly not as fun as demanding constant boob.
The latch hurts a gazillion times less. Thanks for all your help on that and everything else.
Finally, to wade out of my self-involved haze, I ask that you give some love to Asia and Jeremy who are waiting for CVS results after a scary nuchal. My thoughts are with them at all times today.
“One of my biggest faults, I think, is that I take what happens once or twice and solidly believe that this is now how it will be. With an infant, of course, this is ludicrous.”
we still have that problem, and our little bundle is almost 20 months old! seems like you’ve figured out a CRITICAL concept early on in the game. give yourself a big ole pat on the back for that one!
Sorry the bf is sucking. No pun intended. Keep in mind that you are not alone- most people have a hard time in the beginning and you ARE still in the beginning. As far as the scheduled feeding vs. on-demand, you’ll find your way. I ended up doing the on-demand bfing too. After the NICU I tried to keep the schedule at home for a while, but I decided on-demand was just easier even with two. But yes, you do have the right to keep changing your mind about how to do this. Of course you do. It must be really hard to hear him scream and not know why. I know it drove me to tears with my two. Newborns don’t come with many context clues to help us figure out what they want, and it makes us feel out of control and clueless and definitely frustrated.
Trying to pump before you nurse, though it may not be the answer, was not a bad suggestion – I used to do that sometimes for J because my milk was really abundant and his swallowing mechanism couldn’t handle the let-down.
I notice something that a lot of new moms seem to do (including me) is to tirelessly pursue explanations for every behavior and then assign a solid explanation. That is perfectly natural, but as you say, with an infant it is a little unrealistic to think you have it *completely* figured out. I hope you do figure it out, but there will be a lot of times when you just won’t know and will have to keep guessing. I know that’s not your favorite scenario and that you want to KNOW and be an authority. Even though you don’t know why Beckett does what he does, you still know more about him than anyone else in the world knows about him. Because of that, you will figure out what is best for both of you with time, even if it changes each day.
I too am thinking of Asia and Jeremy.
I meant to write “…tirelessly pursue explanations for every behavior and then assign a solid SOLUTION.”
when in doubt, boob in mouth.
i promise, he won’t be like this forever.
the newborn period is hellish.
I agree with melissa. When in doubt, boob in mouth. I’m a huge proponent of on-demand feeding (with the caveat of mom gets a break now and then if she needs one) as kids & parents alike seem a lot happier that way. I don’t know too many bfing moms who found a schedule in the early days to be particularly helpful.
The newborn period (I consider newborn = up to 46 wks gestational ages/6 wks post-due-date) is really hard. Hang in there.
The first 6 weeks post-birth are the absolute worst. My mantra was “Just take it an hour at a time”. You really have to go with the flow which can be hard for a structured control oriented person as myself. By the time you figure out what Beckett needs he’s probably changed his mind. Most of the first 6 weeks is a guessing game but it sounds like you’re doing great instinctively. If you think boob in mouth is what is working for now, flow with it. If it’s driving you nutty to do it, flow with it. On demand does tend to work better but can make you certifiable. Do make sure *you* eat and take care of yourself because if mommy is at the breaking point no one is having a good time.
You’re doing great. Hang in there with the breast feeding and totally feel free to bitch about how crappy it is
Reading these entries I am just nodding my head going yup, yup, yup, that’s what it’s like in the beginning and it is so so hard. For what it’s worth, it sounds like the breastfeeding is going really well for just nine days old and like you are doing a great job going with the flow/winging it even though that isn’t your comfort level. Also, since I didn’t say it before, congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous son!
I wanted to delurk and express my deepest empathy towards what you’re going through. I’ve been there before, and breastfeeding does really suck a lot of the time at first. It’s nerve-wracking, stressful, and non-stop, but eventually it does get easier. One day you’ll wake up and realize that hey, it’s not quite so bad any longer, but until then, my thoughts are with you.
Good luck to you all.
What an adorable little head, by the way. I can’t wait to see him!!!
One thing that helped us in the early period was to put in a call to La L*che L*ague. Believe me, I was very skeptical, expecting a crazy person who would make us feel bad if it didn’t work out. We were totally frustrated, ready to give up even though we were really committed to b.f. We ended up being referred to a local volunteer who immediately diagnosed our problem and gave us some constructive suggestions to try out. We called after business hours but this was not a problem. She was way more understanding than the professional nurses and consultants from the hospital. She gave us her cell number and offered to be there for us any time. Her suggestions ended up working exactly right and by the end of the weekend the feeding was fine (with the help of copious “S*othies” and other pain relieving products!). It’s free, so it might be worth a shot if you’re at the end of your rope. Anyway, things will work out in whatever way is right for ou.
no advice, just oodles of sympathy. My boobies ache for you.
First of all Beckett=CUUUUUUTe.
Ok, I’m done with that. One of the best things we did when we first brought Cakie home was invest in a lactation specialist. It saved us a world of pain and suffering. I hope you haven’t already done that and I missed it on your blog, but if you are interested, send me an email and I’ll give you her number.
Have you done the little mermaid cabbage boobs yet? That’s fun.
I can’t remember what word it was, but I distinctly remember freaking out when I thought the medela was talking to me.
bwaaahahahahaha!
i JUST noticed his right hand, and the MIDDLE FINGER! oh my gawd, too funny. did he learn that the day you jumped oh-so-pregnant out of the car and yelled at those guys?
you have a handful – its going to a bumpy ride.
“Sorry the bf is sucking.”
my people do not complain about a bf who sucks