How I Spent My Stressful Vacation

We got up at 3:45 am. After going to bed at 1:30. No matter how I try, we can never get to bed at a reasonable hour the night before we leave for a trip.

We made it to the airport by 5 but drove right up to the JetBlue terminal, forgetting somehow that we needed to park. So all the way back out to Long Term Parking. And then the little train in. We arrived at the gate as they were midway through boarding.

We had decided to take mass transit from Fort Lauderdale to the Miami port. We thought that if we really were too tired, we could just do step one, taking the Tri-Rail to Miami and then cabbing it to the pier. But we both felt awake and ambitious when we landed and decided to go for the whole deal – 4 transfers and a "10-15 minute walk." We missed the bus to the Tri-Rail train by minutes so we waited an hour for it. Then the train was 20 minutes late. We were in excellent spirits throughout, feeling good to be away together and rid of all legal non-bloggable things. We transferred seamlessly from the Tri-Rail to the Metrorail into Downtown Miami and from there to the Metromover to get as close to the pier as we could. We were highly impressed by all of this – for $3 each we got from the Fort Lauderdale airport to the pier. If we had spent another $1.50 I believe we could have had a bus take us the final leg to the pier. But we were still feeling ambitious and decided to walk.

It was a longer walk than people had said. Maybe with no luggage, power-walking and not pregnant, it could be 15 minutes over the big bridge. But pregnant and with luggage, it was slow. But pretty. I am filled with peace when I see water and being high up and overlooking our ship and the water was fine. I was tired and sweating but only had to stop once. I was proud that I was strong enough to do this big hike, bump and pain and all. And I focused solely on the buffet.

It was still a bit of a walk once we crossed the bridge to get to the ship – we pulled the luggage over grass and walked in the middle of streets because there were no sidewalks where we needed to go. But we got there. I didn’t yet know I had a wicked sunburn on my chest but I am reminded of my stupidity and lack of sunscreen constantly today.

We booked so, so super last minute that we didn’t have our tickets. I booked online after putting a hold on it and had realized before we left that the computer system did not have Wes’ name in it and I couldn’t get it to accept it. It also had me listed as male. I had called the cruiseline right away to fix these problems. The man I spoke to told me that he could not fix it and they had to do so at the pier, but that it was not a problem and no big deal.

He was wrong. It was a very, very big deal.

After 4 people looked uselessly at the computer screen and called higher-ups to look at it and heard our story and shook their heads, the Head of Security deemed us unboardable. Security regulations insist that everyone boarding must be in the system 24 hours before the cruise. No exceptions. End of story. Nothing we could do. And no guarantee that we would be getting our money back.

I lost it, of course. I was a giant, weeping, wailing pregnant woman on the hands of these 3 or 4 cruiseline pier workers. We did not get overly rude or mean with them because it was abundantly clear that they would have liked nothing more than to put us on that ship. Captain Security was the problem. But even that – in all honesty, we could have accepted the idea that we were not getting on because of security. We are Post 9/11 New Yorkers, for God’s Sake. We believe in security measures. What we wanted was a full refund and, Wes demanded, reimbursement for our airfare. I was sobbing too hard to really figure out what I wanted. Wes was talking about finding a last minute flight to an island or something. He was bulldog determined to get me my vacation. But also just as determined to get us our money back.

The women behind the counter mentioned that perhaps customer service over at the corporate headquarters might be able to help. It was a long walk across the port island, but at least we didn’t have our bags – they had been checked and it was going to take at least 30 minutes to find them and get them off the ship. I felt like my soul had been sucked out of me as we walked. Wes just kept talking about how we’d do something else, we’d find a vacation, we’d have fun. It seemed impossible and I never so much in my life wanted to just. be. in. my. bed. Then I realized my entire apartment is nothing but boxes and that made me cry more.

But worse than any last minute vacation or Sudden-and-Unexpected-Last-Hurrah being screwed, I was mourning every future cruise that I would have taken. We would never be able to cruise with R*yal C*ribbean or Cel*brity again. We were almost at Platinum status. These ships were the sole focus of all my vacations and fantasy vacations for the last 8 years. I have dreamed about taking TK on them. And now they had screwed me and it felt like the most gigantic betrayal ever.

We reached corporate headquarters and I couldn’t stop crying. They put us on the phone with someone and brought someone else out to speak to us. The real person was useless but kind. The supervisor on the phone was rude and mean and would not budge on giving us 75% and no more. I finally had to sit down and weep. I was a giant pregnant woman weeping in the corporate headquarters of my favorite company and the kind but useless woman had the nerve to tell me, "Mami, don’t cry. Think of your baby, mami. You will hurt your baby. It’s not worth it." I spat at her that I was upset because of HER company and she left me alone.

After more than an hour of battling there, Wes got them to give the 100% credit. We wanted a refund but no go. The biggest problem then was that they only wanted to give us 18 months to use the credit even though we will have an infant and would not go near a ship with a zillion foot pole. Wes fought bullodog-ishly but ultimately accepted the deal because they were about to revoke the whole credit offer. I couldn’t walk another step so they called us a cab (and gave me a cup for water, bless their hearts). We cabbed the 3/4 of a mile back to the pier to get our bags. The cab ride cost NINE DOLLARS. We couldn’t get the Internet to work on Wes’ Tr*o because we were moving and we had decided to get our bags and go to the Miami airport and hope to find a flight to an island. I couldn’t have cared less. I was totally sucked out hollow.

Wes went in to get our bags but they hadn’t been found yet so he came back out to get me so we could wait inside. The nice women who couldn’t help all looked at us sadly. I watched all the people getting on our ship. I mourned future cruises. I hated everyone.

Our most kind but helpless advocate from check-in came over to get Wes’ passport. Wes thought it was to help find the luggage, which seemed to be truly missing. I was suspicious.

Then the nice woman came over again and asked for our marriage certificate. I, organized and paranoid always, had it right there and she said, "Good girl." She took it over to a woman who was speaking furiously on the phone with someone. Wes and I perked up.

A few minutes later, they came back with the papers and a woman we hadn’t even met yet told us we were going on our cruise.

I wept harder than I had wept the whole day. I hugged all of the women. I promised to name the baby Ada Beverly for the nice check-in woman who believed in us and the higher-up woman who fought with Captain Security on our behalf without even meeting us.

We got on the ship. We haven’t stopped talking about Ada and Beverly since we boarded.

The line is redeemed for me. But we will be far more careful about our paperwork in the future.

Our room, by the way, is magnificent. Last minute meant slim pickings so we were forced to go high up, concierge level, awesome champagne and fruit greeting, Frette bathrobe, flowers and special room service breakfast kind of nice. Plus the ship has just been redone and is gorgeous. There was an actual vegetarian menu (with actual VEGAN options for each course) for Wes at dinner and the service is excellent.

I am so glad that I don’t have to never cruise with them again. I am grateful to the point of copious tears that we got our last minute-vacation.

But it was truly one of the most stressful days ever.

So… greetings from Key West!