the bad day

Today I am 8w2d.

This is the day that the last baby died, a mere 3 days after I saw its heart beating.

I am strangely calm because there is absolutely nothing to be done. I find that if I just think of it as another waiting game, another wait, the 3 Week Wait until my next ultrasound, I am sort of OK. I have to work not to think about the possibility that I might carry a dead baby around for a month – that is just too, too much. But even though it is possible for HCG to continue to rise after fetal demise, I have a feeling that I am still pregnant as of… let’s say, the weekend. I just feel so sick every night, and so hungry and sick and so gross and tired. I think there may still be something going on in there. Maybe.

Wes has been trying to bargain me into waiting another week for the Doppler because he is scared I won’t hear a heartbeat and will freak out. I already have a plan – I will order it on Sunday when I hit 9 weeks so it will be here around 9 and a half. But besides that, I get annoyed with this whole conversation. I might freak out. But I might freak out today at any moment for no real reason. I might ‘freak out’ at any time. Why will possessing a Doppler make me a suddenly less reasonable human being? I am perfectly aware that some people can’t hear the heartbeat until 10, 11 or even 12 weeks. I know that. Why will I be suddenly forgetting this? If I can’t hear the heartbeat, I will be freaked out. But I am already freaked out. I know that I might have to wait the full 3 weeks to my ultrasound until reassurance. But there is also the possibility that I WILL hear something, and will be reassured sooner. So why not try?

The thing with having lost one to genetic abnormality is that it is very easy to imagine it happening again, only later. As happy as I will be if I get to 10 weeks and hear a heartbeat and see it at 11 weeks, I will still know that it can die any day, any moment, mere seconds after I see its beating heart on screen, in fact. I wonder if a good nuchal result might make me feel better. Not as much as a good amnio, I know. I wonder if I will be able to relax after an amnio.

I just need to make it through work  and then I can go home and sleep so I can hurry out the rest of this day.

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In happier news, the other January baby we’ve been awaiting has been born. Mondale’s baby boy was born yesterday evening after an induction and a long labor and weighs 7lbs, 9oz (one ounce smaller than Melissa’s baby!). Congratulations!