Slow swimming day
Posted: June 21, 2005 Filed under: Uncategorized 5 Comments »I feel really sad today and can’t figure out exactly why. I think I need to just get my butt out of the house and I would feel better. It is incredibly crowded in here (kid, kid’s friend, mother-in-law who… chats a lot and there is really just one big room in our house (living/dining/office/her bed) and so she can chat with me at all times even when I am obviously typing something terribly important like… now, for example) and I am incredibly edgy and it’s not a good combination. I really don’t want anyone to talk to me and would like to head to the bar for a nice Stella Artois, but alas… there are sperm in me and even though they are in no way connected to me yet, and million of women drink lovely drinks (including dirty martinis) before they know they are pregnant with no ill-effect, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I could go drink decaf coffee at the Tea Lounge but there would be scads of students (who I have had quite enough of, thank you) and scads of mommies with babies and for some reason I am feeling very nervous about them today.
I’m pretty sure it’s mom-related. I keep tearing up at song lyrics without realizing it. I know that trying to get pregnant is certainly a time likely to bring up mom being dead – it did a lot at the beginning of this whole process. It snuck up on me this time. It also generally resurfaces each summer when my mother-in-law is in my space and the Gargantuan-Man-Boy arrives and there is all this… mommying all around me. I get snippy every year, but this year I have all this nervous WAITING to do.
I think I’ll go to Barnes & Noble or something and read more mystery novels. Maybe it’s just that I finished the one I was reading and need a new one to take my mind off things.
Yes, I am perfectly aware that I could be editing the novel but I am just not in the mood so lay off already.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to drink. You’re right. I probably wouldn’t have either if I’d thought there was a chance for us that month. (Hmmmm, a dirty martini sounds quite good right now…) Sorry that you’re having a downer of a day. Let’s hang out sometime soon. I’m around most days.
Nervous waiting is best done alone, or completely absorbed – like at work which clicks off a day just like that. Movies are good but you have guests to entertain!!!
My Summer of Love is at Sunshine on Houston St. It’s not for the children or the mother-in-law. If I can get the technology equipment order in shape. Thursday is a possibility for an afternoon screening.
I grok the fullness of your edginess, yes I do. THough I am not in that space at the moment, myself.
Gentle warning: if you have not read the Elizabeth George series before, you may want to go in a different direction soon. There are mommy issues that crop up in a variety of ways later in the series. I eventually got too depressed by the nature of the crimes to keep reading, although I LOVE the characters and wanted to keep reading about them.
Good luck finding solo space and just being.
Yeah, I’ve encountered a lot of the mommy stuff in the George books. I don’t think it’s bothering me but I could be wrong. It was most present in the first one I read (With No One As Witness) – a really sad one. Otherwise they have been more subtle. I think that the issues are more helpful than harmful (like Havers dealing with her dementia-ish mother) but again, I should probably keep a close eye on myself as maybe this is bugging me more than I know.
I’m pretty sure that I know the root, though, because at the bottom of it, it is the same feeling I get every year when M-I-L arrives. It just has to be slogged through but unfortunately I am not a very pleasant wife/stepmom/daughter-in-law/blogger to be around for a while.
There’s trying-to-have-a-baby mother stuff too, later on. And other mom-ish things I can’t quite put my finger on this many years later. But enjoy them as they are spectacularly written.